Hobbes 2008
The Conservative Choice for the GOP
Zac Morgan
3/6/07 | Humor
With the recent non-announcement of Newt Gingrich for the Presidency, John McCain’s unveiling of a campaign website designed by the makers of Jack Daniel’s, and the full-fledged announcement of flip-flopping Mitt Romney; the 2008 campaign has raged forward. However, with the media hullabaloo around whether pro-choice, anti-gun Rudy Giuliani can win the Republican nomination, a more serious contender has been brushed under the rug. I recently sat down with one of these possible candidates in his tree house office overlooking a typical suburban neighborhood that extends into a National Forest.
After appearing in national newspapers in Calvin and Hobbes for ten years under the direction of Ohio artist Bill Watterson, Hobbes the tiger disappeared from the media scene once Watterson put down his pen on December 31, 1995. Hobbes has a somewhat gloomy aspect of human nature, a belief that people simply cannot be trusted to act altruistically. When asked if he believed in the devil, Hobbes famously replied that he didn’t “think mankind needed the help.” However, for the most part, Hobbes kept his political beliefs under a newspaper chapeau, so it was quite a surprise last week when the lovable tiger announced his candidacy for President of the United States. Many (Okay, two or three, and most of them were under the influence of drugs and thought Thomas Hobbes was alive) have anticipated that Hobbes could fill the vital niche of a solid conservative in the 2008 race, a seat that was vacated by Virginia Senator George Allen (R-VA) after a disastrous re-election campaign ended up in a narrow victory for the Democrats.
It took twelve verses extolling the virtues of tigers before Hobbes tossed down the rope ladder to me, but once inside, the interview begin:
GW PATRIOT: Thanks for sitting down with The Patriot, Hobbes. We really appreciate it.
HOBBES: Not a problem. Did you bring the tuna sandwiches?
GW PATRIOT: Uh, yeah. Here you go.
HOBBES: Great. All right. (munch, munch) Let’s go.
GW PATRIOT: Well, let’s talk about your economic plan—
HOBBES: Sure, no problem. Well, first off, I want to offer massive tax cuts to the corrugated cardboard industry. It’s amazing what they can make out of cardboard boxes these days, and we need to find a way to encourage more research and development in this sector. Some of the greatest American achievements have come from an old cardboard package: the Time Machine, the Duplicator, Transmogrifiers, et cetera. And frankly, I believe that we can use some of this existing technology to shore up America’s finances. A few Transmogrifiers could easily restore our dwindling supply of gold bullion, and Duplicators could literally allow us to create the trillions of dollars necessary to pay off our foreign creditors.
Now, there’s an issue with inflation, of course, but we could counter-balance that by providing massive tax incentives to sidewalk entrepreneurs. Calvin, for instance, was unable to charge more than fifteen bucks for a glass of sludge water with lemon because of the high cost of raising appropriate venture capital.
GW PATRIOT: So a President Hobbes will be a friend of the little guy selling lemonade, as well as the big business that sells corrugated cardboard?
HOBBES: Absolutely. (munch, munch) This is great tuna, by the way.
GW PATRIOT: Uh, thanks. Just don’t mention it to my editor, I stole it from his fridge. Anyway, let’s talk a little more about economics. Many conservatives have complained about domestic spending increases under President Bush, do you plan to stay the course, or offer a new vision?
HOBBES: Well, I think the key to cutting spending is to virtually eliminate most of the money we spend on education, defense, and homeland security.
GW PATRIOT: But what about the benefits of the public school system, not to mention the war on terrorism and our current situation in Iraq?
HOBBES: I’m not going to shirk those responsibilities. I didn’t need to get into this race, you know. I could have just as easily stayed home and lived off my share of Bill Watterson’s royalties. But I believe that the Democrats and Republicans are putting petty partisan squabbles over the obvious solutions for the country. So don’t write off budget cuts as assuming that issue shouldn’t be addressed. On education, we could replace all schooling with annual Atomic Cerebral Enhance-O-Tron visits, which would essentially make us a nation of super-geniuses.
And as for terrorism, well a few might find this unsettling at first, but I favor transmogrifying our troops.
GW PATRIOT: What?
HOBBES: Well, the Islamists we fight in Iraq need the fear of God put into them to stop. And I can’t think of a better way to do this than to turn the entire U.S. military into a force entirely run by vicious tigers and tyrannosaurs. After the first few terrorists are prevented from blowing themselves up by the incisors of the king of the dinosaurs, I think they’ll start to get the idea. And when it comes to prowling the caves of Afghanistan for Osama bin Laden, nobody’s better equipped for massive search-pounce-and-kill operations than panthera tigris. Provided that the tigers are allowed to use the microwave oven for cooking afterwards, of course. By the way, it’s almost three o’clock, and I need to get ready to knock Calvin senseless when he gets home. Last question.
GW PATRIOT: Some think a critical issue in the next election could be the redefinition of marriage. What’s your take?
HOBBES: Hmmm. Well, some evangelicals might have a few problems with me. I mean, I do believe that we play saxophone for an all-girls cabaret in New Orleans when we die, for one. Secondly, I fully support human-tiger marriage. Tigers have been discriminated against in other forms as well—I’m not even going to get into the problems we have getting hired for jobs—and when it comes down to it, I don’t think it’s the government’s business to decide whether or not I’ll be happy with that red-headed, green-eyed woman that I’d like to call ‘Bitsy Pookums’ someday.
GW PATRIOT: I was referring to same-sex marriage—
By that time, Hobbes’ wristwatch had already buzzed three o’clock, and he bounded down the rope ladder and tore through the house. Seconds later, I heard a deafening scream and the sounds of scuffle.
At least nobody can call him a chickenhawk.
Zac Morgan is a sophomore majoring in international affairs.
After appearing in national newspapers in Calvin and Hobbes for ten years under the direction of Ohio artist Bill Watterson, Hobbes the tiger disappeared from the media scene once Watterson put down his pen on December 31, 1995. Hobbes has a somewhat gloomy aspect of human nature, a belief that people simply cannot be trusted to act altruistically. When asked if he believed in the devil, Hobbes famously replied that he didn’t “think mankind needed the help.” However, for the most part, Hobbes kept his political beliefs under a newspaper chapeau, so it was quite a surprise last week when the lovable tiger announced his candidacy for President of the United States. Many (Okay, two or three, and most of them were under the influence of drugs and thought Thomas Hobbes was alive) have anticipated that Hobbes could fill the vital niche of a solid conservative in the 2008 race, a seat that was vacated by Virginia Senator George Allen (R-VA) after a disastrous re-election campaign ended up in a narrow victory for the Democrats.
It took twelve verses extolling the virtues of tigers before Hobbes tossed down the rope ladder to me, but once inside, the interview begin:
GW PATRIOT: Thanks for sitting down with The Patriot, Hobbes. We really appreciate it.
HOBBES: Not a problem. Did you bring the tuna sandwiches?
GW PATRIOT: Uh, yeah. Here you go.
HOBBES: Great. All right. (munch, munch) Let’s go.
GW PATRIOT: Well, let’s talk about your economic plan—
HOBBES: Sure, no problem. Well, first off, I want to offer massive tax cuts to the corrugated cardboard industry. It’s amazing what they can make out of cardboard boxes these days, and we need to find a way to encourage more research and development in this sector. Some of the greatest American achievements have come from an old cardboard package: the Time Machine, the Duplicator, Transmogrifiers, et cetera. And frankly, I believe that we can use some of this existing technology to shore up America’s finances. A few Transmogrifiers could easily restore our dwindling supply of gold bullion, and Duplicators could literally allow us to create the trillions of dollars necessary to pay off our foreign creditors.
Now, there’s an issue with inflation, of course, but we could counter-balance that by providing massive tax incentives to sidewalk entrepreneurs. Calvin, for instance, was unable to charge more than fifteen bucks for a glass of sludge water with lemon because of the high cost of raising appropriate venture capital.
GW PATRIOT: So a President Hobbes will be a friend of the little guy selling lemonade, as well as the big business that sells corrugated cardboard?
HOBBES: Absolutely. (munch, munch) This is great tuna, by the way.
GW PATRIOT: Uh, thanks. Just don’t mention it to my editor, I stole it from his fridge. Anyway, let’s talk a little more about economics. Many conservatives have complained about domestic spending increases under President Bush, do you plan to stay the course, or offer a new vision?
HOBBES: Well, I think the key to cutting spending is to virtually eliminate most of the money we spend on education, defense, and homeland security.
GW PATRIOT: But what about the benefits of the public school system, not to mention the war on terrorism and our current situation in Iraq?
HOBBES: I’m not going to shirk those responsibilities. I didn’t need to get into this race, you know. I could have just as easily stayed home and lived off my share of Bill Watterson’s royalties. But I believe that the Democrats and Republicans are putting petty partisan squabbles over the obvious solutions for the country. So don’t write off budget cuts as assuming that issue shouldn’t be addressed. On education, we could replace all schooling with annual Atomic Cerebral Enhance-O-Tron visits, which would essentially make us a nation of super-geniuses.
And as for terrorism, well a few might find this unsettling at first, but I favor transmogrifying our troops.
GW PATRIOT: What?
HOBBES: Well, the Islamists we fight in Iraq need the fear of God put into them to stop. And I can’t think of a better way to do this than to turn the entire U.S. military into a force entirely run by vicious tigers and tyrannosaurs. After the first few terrorists are prevented from blowing themselves up by the incisors of the king of the dinosaurs, I think they’ll start to get the idea. And when it comes to prowling the caves of Afghanistan for Osama bin Laden, nobody’s better equipped for massive search-pounce-and-kill operations than panthera tigris. Provided that the tigers are allowed to use the microwave oven for cooking afterwards, of course. By the way, it’s almost three o’clock, and I need to get ready to knock Calvin senseless when he gets home. Last question.
GW PATRIOT: Some think a critical issue in the next election could be the redefinition of marriage. What’s your take?
HOBBES: Hmmm. Well, some evangelicals might have a few problems with me. I mean, I do believe that we play saxophone for an all-girls cabaret in New Orleans when we die, for one. Secondly, I fully support human-tiger marriage. Tigers have been discriminated against in other forms as well—I’m not even going to get into the problems we have getting hired for jobs—and when it comes down to it, I don’t think it’s the government’s business to decide whether or not I’ll be happy with that red-headed, green-eyed woman that I’d like to call ‘Bitsy Pookums’ someday.
GW PATRIOT: I was referring to same-sex marriage—
By that time, Hobbes’ wristwatch had already buzzed three o’clock, and he bounded down the rope ladder and tore through the house. Seconds later, I heard a deafening scream and the sounds of scuffle.
At least nobody can call him a chickenhawk.
Zac Morgan is a sophomore majoring in international affairs.
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